Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Pastor Wright a Worthy Adversary

In the wake of Reverend Wright's Obama-defaming national tour, I can come to only one conclusion; he, like me, is vying for my dear Hillary's affections.

How else to explain a behavioral display so disarming of Senator Obama's chances? If my dear Hillary manages to turn this election around, it will be much to do with Wright. I cannot help feeling jealous, knowing what a greater hand he would have played, when I exerted myself tirelessly to let my lady know the fullness of my feelings.

One poll had North Carolina within 5 points (most have it 10-15, however) and Indiana seems to be shifting Hillary's way. This while at a major financial disadvantage. If only I had my former fortune, I could expend it on something more gratifying than a new acre of chrysanthemums!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

My Deepest Apologies

I wish I could attribute my recent absences to some worthy cause, such as rescuing my true love's sister from cosmic disgrace. Unfortunately, my explanation is far more self-serving, exposing me as a personage wholly undeserving of your readership.

I have been - ashamedly - electioned out for a few days. With so much intensity leading up to the Pennsylvania elections, it was undeniable that I would experience a letdown (to my credit, I predicted the results exactly). My affections for Hillary remained in full form, to be sure, but my ability to watch CNN waned. I simply could not endure any more commentary!

Now that I have taken the much-needed respite, I am ready to commence my analyses once more. Perhaps you enjoyed the break as much as I, and we can both approach the coming Indiana and North Carolina primaries with considerable gusto.

I also promised an explanation for why I have developed a fondness for the nation of Sweden, and I assure it will come shortly. Perhaps after I dream of my dear Hillary, myself, and three bottles of Crown Royale in between.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

My Dear Hillary Takes Pennsylvania

The returns are still accumulating, and it remains to be seen whether my dear Hillary can win by double digits (a symbolic number that could bode well for her).

Either way, she should claim victory in the 8-10 points category. A formidable showing, no doubt, though she will need more to truly overtake the front-running Barack Obama. With Indiana and North Carolina on the horizon, she must take advantage of this much-needed momentum to climb the polls quickly.

Momentum, of course, depends on your media. How will they run with this story? Will three days of good publicity amount to genuine progress, or will it fall quickly to the Thames floor? As a newly patriotic American, I hope this is the beginning of the Hillary movement.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Return from Holiday

To my faithful readers who have long awaited my return, I am back from my week-long holiday (an excursion that I probably should have published. I feared too many paparazzi). Beginning today, I will be back for good, submitting my usual equitable dissertations on the current political sphere.

Let me just express three quick sentiments:

1. England is not what it was. I sojourned back to the land of my roots, only to find a nation consumed with modernity, forgetting its old aristocratic identity and embracing elements of such foreign notions as socialism and respect for the common man. Improvements? In many ways, yes, but not entirely so.

2. I have a new favorite nation: Sweden. There will be more on that tomorrow.

3. The long-anticipated Pennsylvania vote is tomorrow. My prediction? My dear Hillary 55%, Sir Barack Obama 45%.

More to come soon, I assure you.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Obama Darth Vader in the Making!

I have experienced the pleasure of watching your popular fantasy series, Star Wars. What a gripping tale, which could only be made better with some stronger acting performances. Why not Colin Firth as Luke? How about Keira Knightley as Princess Leia? I would leave Harrison Ford alone, though.

Well, as much as the Jedi bring good to the universe, they also have some crafty tricks up their sleeves. Look what can happen when those talents fall into the wrong hands? We get Darth Vader.

Sir Barack Obama has been quite effective at wielding those Jedi mind tricks. As comically depicted here, he has somehow managed to swing the press under his spell. Beware, I say. We could be electing Darth Vader.

Clinton Marrital Squabbles an Opening for Me?

From what I understand, the Clinton marriage has always had some questionable elements to it. As a nobleman, I have battled furiously against any malevolent wishes for their marriage, but my genteel nature is being tested quite a bit now.

It seems the Clintons are spatting right now. No, not over Monica Lewinsky, or Paula Jones, or Jennifer Flowers, but over trade with Colombia. A trivial matter, you assume? I beg to differ.

It has long been speculated that their marriage is one of convenience: a political union. Would not a political union be most threatened by a political squabble? Gentility condemns my lustful inferences, but I may be beyond repair. Could the door now be open for me? Please let it be so, my dear Hillary.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Hillary Makes Use of Her...Assets

The disparity in finances between the Obama and Clinton camps is enormous, which is the predominant reason why he continues to gain on Hillary in states she once led by large margins.

An interesting thing happened in Texas and Ohio, however. My dear Hillary, wisening up from past failures, held off a good portion of her resources to the end. The results were staggering. In the final week, she regained much of her lead.

We are witnessing the same pattern in Pennsylvania. Aside from a horrendous bowling performance, Sir Barack Obama launched a 3-week British-Royal-Navy blitz on the state. Should he not have gained points? It was a near certainty.

And now, my dear Hillary has graced our screens with three ads. One condemns the Bush administration (quite rightly), one employs the venerable Governor Ed Rendell, and the third (my favorite) demonstrates Hillary's sentimental ties to the state.

Pennsylvania, you must vote for her!

Monday, April 7, 2008

Delegate System One for Brighton Quacks

In my prior life, we of the highest nobility would occasionally have soirees together in London. The discussions would range from business to politics, and we always decided things on a majority basis.

Then one day, some alchemist charlatans from Brighton claimed to have made gold in their pump rooms. We all sensed it as nonsense and swiftly voted them out (a contingent from Portsmouth was especially vocal about it, making use of their boots as much as their lips). Dissastisfied with the way they were treated, the Brighton group decided to make their claims anyway, defying the traditional rules. A few of my nation's more gullible citizens ate it up, and they were swindled out of their money.

I bring up this story because it resembles the current delegate equation. Why have a skewed proportional system when winner-take-all works much more effectively? To this day, all the TV networks have different interpretations of the delegate count. What a nonsensical scrum!

Look at how simply the Republicans were able to delineate their primary. Furthermore, the General Election is decided by a winner-take-all, which would seem to benefit the side whose candidate performs best in those situations.

According to Sean Wilentz's fool-proof calculations, my dear Hillary's big-state appeal would carry her to the nomination. She would lead even without the inclusion of Florida and Michigan, two states Mr. Obama murderously discarded.

Should the Democrats be run like genteel folk, or Brighton Quacks? If you answered the latter, you probably had too many puffs at an Obama rally.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Pennsylvania the Keystone For Clinton

Every day, we the people are treated to a new round of polling, generally from such inconsistent groups as Gallup, Rasmussen, Zogby, Survey USA, PPD and the likes.

The numbers which seem to be drawing the most attention are the Democratic National polls, dominated by Sir Barack Obama as of late (with the occasional close one). Pundits, television networks, and Obama proponents have used these numbers as evidence that the race is over.

The other pro-Obama statistic has been in national McCain vs. Democrat polls. These have been fairly close, but Obama is polling a tad bit better. These, some would say, further the argument that Obama is the better general election candidate.

The problem with both of these arguments is that Pennsylvania has yet to happen. Between now and April 22nd, the only polls that truly matter are the Pennsylvania Primary, and predictions have been erratic enough to leave us wondering what the result will be.

I have studied the numbers incessantly, and past trends have shown huge general movement with single-day gains, much the result of the media. Here is my barometer for Hillary's chances:

Lose Pennsylvania - Race is over, barring a MAJOR scandal (apparently more egregious than Wright)

Win Pennsylvania by 5 points or less - The only way this works into a positive is if the media places Obama's expectations higher than they should be (ie. Ohio and Texas).

Win Pennsylvania by 5-10 - Will bring some momentum, but probably not enough to gain real traction.

Win Pennsylvania by 10-15 - A tremendous victory that might be enough to sway some North Carolina and Indiana voters.

Win Pennsylvaina by 15-20 - A major news story that carries Hillary Clinton into a surge. What she does with that surge would depend on the politics from there.

Win Pennsylvania by 20+ - A dramatic win that exposes Barack Obama's failures in major swing states. A result like this would similarly bring the popular vote much closer, and put Hillary in an almost even match for the nomination.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

To Have Been Around When...

Life is made up of a series of what-ifs, and it's a topic that can be discussed for hours on end, especially by well-to-do (code for nothing-to-do) aristocrats. I found myself particularly transfixed by David Shribman's piece today, how of all places to have been a fly on the wall, he would have picked the Kennedy-Johnson VP conference of 1960.

In my case, I no longer think "To Have Been in the Room When" but "To Have Been Around When" Certainly, there are events from my lifetime that I wish I could have witnessed, such as the French Revolution and the 1802 day a stupid aristocrat drove his horses into Stonehenge, but here is a brief list of events I would have liked to have been around for:

1. The Victorian era, 1837 - 1901 - I still have a chance to see part of this, if Lady Catherine decides to bring me back. It just seems a golden period in British history. Could I meet Charles Dickens?

2. The Wright Brothers, 1903 - I would have loved to have seen the beginnings of flight.

3. The Holocaust, 1939-1945 - Specifically, the Concentration Camps, which make the greater injustices of my time seem like a poor day's hunt. I find it important for every human being to witness humanity at its worst, so as to never duplicate such maligned behavior.

4. Neil Armstrong on the moon, 1969 - I am still in disbelief. The thought of reaching the moon was beyond the realm of fantasy in my day. It truly stands as a monumental moment in human progress.

5. 1989 - Leonard Bernstein conducts the largest international orchestra in Beethoven's 9th to commemorate the fall of the Berlin Wall (actually on DVD). This may seem a trivial choice, but for a man of my time, few things can express a more surprising unification than the whole world playing Beethoven. I was privy to some of Beethoven's earlier symphonies, but I never heard the 9th. By the way, that was real music.

Oh, and one more:

October 26, 1947 - The day my dear Hillary graced this Earth with her presence.

Friday, April 4, 2008

If There Were Snipers...

Much has been made about those would-be Bosnian snipers, the ones my dear Hillary mistakenly referred to in a campaign speech. It amazes me how quick some people are to call her a liar, when her mistake could have easily been a case of confused memory. Those "neutral" pundits are the real snipers.

What cannot be attributed to memory befuddlement is Sir Barack Obama's two-faced observations of Reverend Wright. How can the media be so gullible as to believe Obama was "shocked" by the media clips? Even more disturbing is that there's written evidence that he was well aware of it before. The media ought to be ashamed for giving one story life and the other death, all to help their golden boy.

But as a last thought (and this goes out to you, my dear Hillary), I would just like to say that if there had been snipers in Bosnia, that I would have laid my body over yours to protect you. What more proof do you need of my devotion? How about you lay your body over mine.

Napoleon Gets More Coverage Than Me? Sacrebleu!

Two references to Napoleon today, both from major political commentators. As pleased as I am to have the great 19th century examined more closely, I have to wonder why I am not given more recognition. I thought I had the monopoly on modern politics from the 1800's perspecive. Apparently, I need to read up more on your anti-trust laws.

In this first piece, Charles Krauthammer mentions Waterloo in the opening sentence. Why not Pemberley instead? Do you think Napoleon's army would have rather tasted the famous Darcy Shepherd's Pie or blood-splattering defeat? Point Darcy.

In the second article, Jonah Goldberg compares Napoleon's "When you set out to take Vienna, take Vienna," with Sir Barack Obama's humiliating bowling performance. Credit must be given to Napoleon for accomplishing that feat, but I have fulfilled many of my promises too. I set out to make sure Jane Bennet loved Mr. Bingley, and I succeeded (albeit with destroying their lives for a year...but what's one year in a life?) Even.

Napoleon tried to conquer the world and failed. I tried to conquer a woman's heart and succeeded. Darcy wins!

So why more Napoleon? I suppose your era prefers losers to winners; hence, more Obama coverage.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Attending a Hillary Rally

Rallies were not a popular thing in my day, and if they were, certainly not among the gentry. Why exhaust yourself at a rally when you could grumble quietly to a servant (who had to pretend to listen despite having no interest whatsoever)? We complained about such life-altering travesties as the mutton being too chilly or the weather being too tropical. Life could seem barely tolerable at times, and yet few got emotional about it. Everything was subdued.

After attending my first political rally tonight (incidentally for Hillary Clinton...who would have guessed it?), let me assure you that times have changed. Not only do women find it in themselves to talk the forbidden subjects (politics, religion, anything related to having something beyond a bird's brain), but they speak with an insatiable fire. They may as well have played Berlioz's March to the Scaffold (an excellent composition from my neighbors to the south), with Sir Barack Obama's head on the pike, then burnt it to the stake a la Joan of Arc and quartered it to the four corners a la William Wallace (a wonderful film, that Braveheart). These women were out for blood, all while they served carrot cake.

And the Obama rallies are supposed to be even wilder. What could possibly go on there? Do they take Hillary Clinton voodoo dolls and poke out her eyes with Monica Lewinsky's cigar?

It seems that if I ever want for the old life, McCain's pub is the place to be; no rabid liberals, and no conservatives from what I hear either. I'll "hang" with Hillary's crew any day of the week.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Pundits Have A Case of Selective Polling

A neighbor of mine enlightened me on the concept of "selective hearing," a practice I am quite fond of, apparently. Back in my old life, I employed it to perfection, tuning out Lady Catherine when belligerent, Caroline Bingley when negative, and Mrs. Bennet when she, well, spoke at all.

I am noticing a similar trend among pundits when it comes to polling. The polls have varied to such an extent that almost anyone can take a given day's results and spin it in his/her favor. Like film reviews, there are vast discrepancies in interpretation (save for the exception of rare masterpieces, such as Pride and Prejudice).

Well, I am going to play pundit for a day. Never mind all those polls showing my dear Hillary's lead in Pennsylvania slimming, or the double-digit defecit in North Carolina. How about this indisputable Quinnipiac poll, which shows Hillary winning Florida and performing better in Ohio and Pennsylvania against McCain?

Wait a moment. Why am I playing pundit? This is the clear evidence I have feverishly sought, proving my dearest lady as the Democrat's best hope! Scratch everything I said above.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Bowling for Clinton-Time

Today, my dear Hillary summoned some of her finest wit, suggesting that she and Sir Barack Obama bowl it out, for the nomination. This, of course, comes on the heels of Mr. Obama putting forth a rather poor showing at the alleys (a 37 I believe).

I never bowled back in my day. I preferred more gentlemanly games like croquet and badminton (though my fondness for baseball is growing by the minute). If bowling is what my lady likes, however, then let her challenge me to a contest. I would gladly throw a few by the wayside to give her victory. After all, my mind would already be - as you Americans are fond of saying - "in the gutter."

What Was In the Clinton Library Redactions

Apparently, I am not the only creation of Jane Austen's turning up today. As the outstanding Austen Blog reports, a new letter has surfaced, mentioning such appetizing things as Austen's recipe for hamster curry. Oh, the old delicacies!

The emergence of this groundbreaking news has plunged my mind into a reverie, as I imagine what might have been redacted from the Clinton Library records. Could there have been something in reference to me? Here are a few that came to mind:

January 20, 1993
Much as I tried to listen to my husband's inaugural address, I could not resist rummaging through the pages of Pride and Prejudice, desperately searching for every reference to Mr. Darcy. Oh, what a gentleman!

January 1, 1994
NAFTA comes into effect today. I'm not sure how I feel about it (who knows, there may come a time when I run for President myself, and it may not be good for certain states?). The one thing I do know how I feel about is Mr. Darcy. I'm ravenous for him.

December 29, 1995
I had the great pleasure of watching the BBC Miniseries of Pride and Prejudice, starring the dashing Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. If he were to arrive at my doorstep, he could have me...all of me.

January 17, 1998
My longtime enemy, Chris Drudge, just launched a report about my husband's dealings with Monica Lewinsky. Does this mean I can finally act on my deepest secret, my long-felt affections for Mr. Darcy?

April 10, 1998
Today I was in Belfast for the Good Friday Agreement between the British and Irish governments. Though I had to play the neutral role, I must privately admit my bias for England, because of my great passion for their literature (and most notably, the character of Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice).

November 7, 2000
My dear friend Al Gore is hanging by a thread, hoping for a recount in Florida. I, too, am hanging by a thread, just waiting for a romantic escapade from Mr. Darcy.

Could that have been what was redacted from the Clinton Library? Was it fear of being exposed for impure thoughts that caused the Clinton campaign to withhold information? I can only hope.

Oh, and readers: Do you think Hillary would like hamster curry?