Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Choosing the Right Church

This past Sunday, I embarked on a pursuit of the right Christian institution for my membership. Between all my ephemeral stops, I likened myself to Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama, when they famously criss-crossed between Ohio and Texas several times a day.

Needless to say, there is little that resembles the old Anglican church I used to be a part of (nor do I mind escaping Mr. Collins' sermons). Let me describe my journey:

I made my first stop at the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago. Aside from feeling slightly out of place (I did not quite fit with the demographic), I found myself put off by the explosive preaching, particularly in regard to America being the KKK and the support for anti-semitic leaders like Louis Farakhan. To make matters worse, things were not exactly pro-Hillary, which to me is the greatest desecration of all. I left aghast, though still with the audacity to hope for a better congregation.

My next visit was to Virginia Beach, where I figured Pat Robertson would give me a warm welcome. How wrong I was! Never have I heard such absurd hate-speech. I could be wrong, but I think Pat Robertson blamed my "godlessness" for the tornado that befell Georgia this past weekend. He also predicted a number of apocalyptic events, brought on by such terrorist groups as the gay and lesbian community. So reprehensible were his words that I suddenly considered Reverend Wright and his Trinity United a rational place of worship.

Dismayed by my first two attempts, I made the trek out to Los Angeles (what speedy transportation your world has!) to hear about a promising new sect of Christianity: Scientology. I found myself in the company of such wise people as Tom Cruise (the gentleman from Mission Impossible...he must know miracles). While their congregation was not as motivated by hate, it was equally nonsensical, cult-like even. For a moment, I thought I might be at an Obama rally.

Finally, I set my sights on St. John the Divine in New York. At last, an accepting establishment that boasted itself as a Christian haven for all Americans, no matter their faith. They were even kind to Jews! It would behoove Mr. Obama to switch here if he decides to leave Trinity United, just as I did. Of course, it also helps that the architecture reminds of old Westminster Abbey, but I think you Americans can appreciate that.

So there you have it. Come sit with me at St. John the Divine on Sundays and we can open a pint of brandy afterwards....my treat.

20 comments:

George said...

What a ridiculous blog. I love it!

Georgia voter said...

Thanks for directing me here. In a crazy way, this is how I feel about religion in this country. I wouldn't have joined the St. John church either.

Real Churchgoer said...

Hiding behind a fictional character doesn't excuse the blatant racism exhibited here. You haven't been to a black church. You don't know what it's like. If you knew what it was like to be black, you'd be ashamed.

Barack Obama is the only hope this country has. Hillary Clinton will do anything it takes to win. Barack is the future.

Obama!!!

George said...

I don't see any racism here, sorry. If that's how your church is run, then you're pathetic.

Florida Dem said...

That part about scientology cracks me up (and as a Jane Austen fan, I love the Mr. Darcy stuff). I hope you keep up the blog.

Mike from Ohio said...

This is utter nonsense. You liberals should get a life, seriously.

HRC '08! said...

"He also predicted a number of apocalyptic events, brought on by such terrorist groups as the gay and lesbian community"

Great stuff!

I'm the real churchgoer said...

Real churchgoer,

Anyone true Christian who attends church and BELIEVES in the words of Jesus (love not hate) would storm out of Reverend Wright's chapel and find another place. Sorry. That speech today doesn't excuse everything else.

The Gregster said...

Y'all need to lighten up. I'm an Obama supporter and I thought this was funny as sh**

This guy's probably even an Obama supporter himself. You can tell he's just making fun of the whole thing.

Austen fan said...

Mr. Darcy:

I'm subscribing to this from now on. I always loved you when I read P&P. Now I get to hear your political views. WHat a trip!

Anonymous said...

What the hell is this?

Anonymous said...

this has tpo be a jpoke

Jane Austen lover said...

Hahaha! I read Pride and Prejudice in the 12th grade and I loooooooved Mr. Darcy! This is so random. Keep it up!

an American said...

Mr. Darcy was a fraud and so are you (pretending to me Mr. Darcy). Is this what people in America spend their time doing these days? No wonder we have such an ugly election

Jane Austen said...

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Obama will be in want of a new job after he's banished from the presidency.

austen expert said...

Jane Austen would have supported Obama! So should you, Mr. Darcy.

Atheist said...

It amuses me that any churchgoer would even comment on here when the piece basically denigrates religion.

Didn't he say something about drinking brandy on a Sunday?

florida dem said...

You all are wayyyyyyyyyyyy too PC.

Anonymous said...

I don't see how this is about political correctness. This is simply a satirical blog that eloquently sheds a comic light on the current political situation. That's all.

I, for one, appreciate the kind of cleverness and ingenuity that goes into a piece of this sort. I'll be reading more through the RSS if I can help it.

Give "Mr. Darcy" a hand, whoever he/she is. This is first rate material (not as good as Austen, but is anything that good?)

Sally said...

Great piece. I really enjoyed it. Thanks.